The Want of Caring

Building the inclination to care...

1. The want of caring Essay by Marty Kirschen (January 2001)
2. Connections beyond the classroom - listening (update 12/01)
3. Invitational Education - William Purkey and Associates
4. Regarding motivation from William Purkey (new March 2001)
5. The Force of Caring - Visual Work of Feelings and Movement (July 2001)

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1. The “want of caring”
What can I do to help myself and my students act more caringly? In examining this I first look at my own caring ways. The more I am inclined to be caring - the more my work regarding my students has already begun. I welcome your views regarding this ongoing exploration.

In situations that call for caring, I find that there are three levels of responsiveness I may find myself in. First, I may feel naturally inclined to help, feeling drawn to the person or situation involved. In the second situation, I don’t feel naturally inclined to help, but tell myself that helping is the decent thing to do - and do it. The final situation is one of “non response,” due to hostile, neutral or confused feelings to name just a few.

The key question for me here is ... how do I move to a level of greater responsiveness in caring? First, I will just try to understand “what is going on,” at each of these three levels. Then I’ll explore what can be done to move up the ladder of caring.

1 Description of levels of responsiveness in caring

1a - Primary Level - Natural Caring
I feel naturally inclined to help, feeling drawn to the person or situation involved.
When I notice that I feel drawn to help, I am reminded of words of by Milton Mayeroff in his fine work “On Caring,” “I care for someone if I feel a stir of desire or inclination toward him. In a related sense, I care for someone if I have regard for his views and interests.”(p.9) He goes on to say on a later page “Obligations that derive from devotion are a constituent element in caring, and I do not experience them as forced on me or as necessary evils; there is a convergence between what I feel I am supposed to do and what I want to do.” (p.11)

Nel Noddings in her work “Caring - A Feminine Approach to Ethics and Moral Education,” calls wanting to care - genuine or natural caring. She likens the love of a mother for her child as a primary example. “There are moments for all of us when we care quite naturally. We just do care; no ethical effort is required. “Want” and “ought” are indistinguishable in such cases (p.81). “ .... memory of our own best moments of caring and being cared for sweeps over us as a feeling - an “I must” - in response to the plight of the other and our conflicting desire to serve our own interests. (p.79).

I believe that key words discussed above regarding building natural caring are “devotion,” and “memory of our own best moments of caring and being cared for.” Whether I experience the building of a relationship with a current student or have the memory of my grandmother teaching me how to make chicken soup years ago - they all build - and all help toward my being more naturally and warmly responsive.

1b - Second level - Ethical Caring
I am not inclined to help, but realize that it is the decent thing to do. I call upon an ideal of caring - and I act.
This is what Nel Noddings refers to as calling upon an “ethic of caring,” Indeed, if in natural caring our hearts point the direction for us ... here with an ethic of caring, our heads help move us to act decently. Here, ethical caring helps me to be willing to hold the door open for someone that I don’t like. Nel Noddings writes (p. 80) ... “Recognizing that ethical caring requires an effort that is not needed in natural caring does not commit us to a position that elevates ethical caring over natural caring. Kant has identified the ethical with that which is done out of duty and not out of love, and that distinction in itself seems right. But an ethic built on caring strives to maintain the caring attitude and is thus dependent upon, and not superior to natural caring.”

I believe that a key phrase in Nel Nodding’s writing of this section is that “an ethic built on caring strives to maintain the caring attitude and is thus dependent upon, and not superior to natural caring.” While ethical caring may draw its methods from natural caring I do not believe it to be an inferior way of being. Dealing with ambivalent or negative feelings can be a very honorable and sometimes courageous thing to do. In this current edition of our website newsletter an article explaining the approaches of “emotional intelligence pioneer,” Peter Salovey may be of interest to look at (Behind the window on the”what” of caring on our home page).

1c - Third level - non or negative response
Either I feel that I “don’t care,” I am hostile or I might do something if I just knew better how to help.
I must admit ... sometimes it does not seem that I do not care one way or other or ... I just don’t like someone at that particular moment or ... I am frustrated, I want to do something, but I just don’t know what to do and I don’t do anything. Well not exactly, sometimes I do think about what happened and sometimes feel troubled. As a matter of fact, an outward inaction plus the workings of my conscience and my feelings often help me evolve to a place of figuring out what I might to differently in the future.

At any rate, when I find myself in these situations - there is help ... I can avail myself of the higher levels of caring skills. In the next section, I will explore some ways that I am able to move up the caring ladder by being with a fellow caring person or I prepare tools for myself for when I am on my own.

2 How do we move up the ladder of caring?

2a - The caring practice of being with someone who is caringly responsive?
I believe if I can be with someone who is being naturally caring, I can learn some of his or her ways and some of those ways will rub off on me. Through the kindness and help of others, I become more kind and competent. Not only does the warmth of another flow to me, their helping me to become more competent to carry on on my own is evident as well. My improved ways are then experienced and benefit my students.

There are always fellow teachers and others who are very caring - they seek to understand before acting to quickly, they are naturally helpful, they find the good in what I am trying to do. One very useful way is to schedule time with a fellow teacher or group of teachers to discuss how things are going in my class. I know that schools have weekly staff meetings and sometimes have grade level meetings at that time. It would be good from time to time to have those grade level meetings become helping circles where teachers share concerns and approaches. These approaches may be aspect of caring - be it developing a more student centered lesson, or dealing with my own emotional reaction to a student, or helping a student resolve a difficulty, etc. We should realize that “self-help,” can be done with others as well as alone. Here, I am speaking of going through the process with one or more others.

An approach that I use is to watch Mr. Rogers during my lunch time when possible. Even though he is coming to me through television, his caring ways do reach me. Another approach I use is to make note of and appreciate the many caring people whose path I cross each day ... the assistant in my classroom, students, a visiting parent.

Viewing at the home page of our web site and looking into the “windows” on the “what of caring” or “caring ways,” may be helpful here if you wish see some further examples of how one acts caringly.

2b - Ways to be reminded of caring approaches when I am by myself?
So ... what do I learn from my contact with others who are responsively caring that I can “remember” when I am not with them and I am feeling not very inclined to act. I am working on a set of overall individual practices of caring that often but not always occur in a certain order. When I look at this list at a time of reflection, it often serves to remind me of something I might do a little differently the next time - such as taking more time to listen to a student tell me why he if feeling upset. It also provides a good opportunity to endorse myself when I notice things I am doing well.

I find the more I use these practices, the more practiced I become and indeed something happens - trust and empathy grow and a relationship builds with the student I am communicating with. Not only do I move up the ladder from “apparent non caring,” to “ethical caring” (caring out of a sense of duty), put actually proceed to feel really connected to that student - and become more”naturally caring.” I don’t believe in magic, but I do believe in the magical. In this process “magical things happen.”

The caring stages and practices I am working on are shown in a simplified format below. I am always appreciative of what I learn both in experience and the writings and sharings of others as this model evolves. An earlier version (one that will be updated) of this model is also presented in a more extended discussion behind the home page “window,” called “Self-help.” I call it “Caring that goes around comes around.

While I believe there are similarities in viewing the stages of caring and their practices in many different examples of caring such as giving a lesson, resolving a conflict, giving a present or deciding to rest because I am tired ... there are some differences as well. It would be helpful in viewing the example below to think of it in a situation where a teacher sees a student struggling with doing a math problem and decides to help. If you wish to see a further discussion of how caring is similar or different in various situations you may go to our home page and view the window on "Commonality" in caring.

I believe a key element that helps someone become more responsive is to express self-prompts more in feeling than thinking terms (which may be used in the third stage above). Instead of saying to Bill - “That was wrong to hit Jimmy,” it is may be better to initially say “Don’t hit Jimmy, that hurts him.” Another stronger example regards the Golden Rule. While I believe it is very useful to use, preliminarily at least it may be better to say “Look Sally is hurt, I wonder how she is feeling,” rather than ... how would you feel if Sally poked you? In this way, we go more directly to the heart of the matter and there is less likelihood to spark guilt or resentment.

Also regarding the practices above, I believe the first one - Facing my attitude - is the most important. It is the practice that ties most directly to feelings and serves as a foundation for all the other practices that follow. We can not necessarily fully change an attitude in the first stage, but we can at least have a chance to shift it ... for example, to move from ambivalence to willingness is a big step. It becomes even bigger when doing this, combined with moving forward on the following stages and practices, a cumulative effect is built up. Indeed, caring that goes around not only comes around ... it gets stronger. This is the force of caring.

In closing
I would like to share some pertinent and profound words of Viktor Frankl from his book “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He was a psychiatrist who was a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps of World War II. In his work he wrote of three things that helped persons find meaning which also helped them survive. I believe that the methods we have been discussing regarding “responsiveness” in caring have some strong similarities to what Viktor Frankl is speaking about.

He says, one way of finding meaning is by “experiencing something or encountering someone” - Certainly, most of natural caring that exists in my life is the result of being with people who have helped or have moved me. I feel the better for having been with them.

Viktor Frankl says another source of meaning comes from “creating a work or doing a deed.” Certainly, when we help ourselves to do deed that is not easy to do - we gain meaning. For example, treating another with respect, even if I feel ambivalently towards that person, can start the journey to actually feeling some warmth towards that person as well as to help that him or her become happier, friendlier or more competent as well.

Finally, Viktor Frankl speaks of “the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering.” Surely few of us experience the pain of one in a concentration camp. Whatever pain we feel, we are better able to come through it - be it due to the natural caring or ”ethical caring,” we experience or employ in our lives.

All those “ways” of caring helps to build an inclination to care by the one being cared for. A reinforcing cycle of caring is set in motion onto which I the cared for am on ... and now will care more for myself and others. Not only does one of the goals of caring become the maintaining of caring ... it becomes one of the outcomes.

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2. CONNECTIONS - Beyond the classroom - The caring practice of Listening
This theme of love growing out of receiving another human
being has been central to thinkers, writers and artists throughout
the ages. We offer you some writings here. To continue this
tradition, we ask for your thoughts and favorite quotes on
this and other caring themes.

Carl Rogers from “A Way of Being”
“When I truly hear a person and the meanings that are important
to him at that moment, hearing not simply his words, but him,
and when I let him know that I have heard his own private
personal meanings, many things happen. He wants to tell me
more about his world. He surges forth in a new sense of freedom.
He becomes open to the process of change...” (p.10)

“On the basis of my experience I have found that if I
can help bring about a climate marked by genuineness, prizing
and understanding, then exciting things happen. Persons and
groups in such a climate move away from rigidity and toward
flexibility, away from static living toward process living, away
from dependence toward autonomy, away from defensiveness
toward self-acceptance, away from being predictable toward an
unpredictable creativity. They exhibit living proof of an actualizing
tendency.” (p.44)

Martin Buber from “I and Thou”
“With trees, as with human beings and works of art,
one can take the existential stance of I-Thou, making that tree
(or that person or that work of art) not a thing among things,
not a loose bundle of named qualities, but a whole unto itself.
For the duration of I-Thou, the object of one’s attention is not
bounded by space and time but ‘fills the heavens.’ The person
sees all else in light of that tree or that person or that work of art.”

W.A. Mathieu, from
“The Listening Book: Discovering Your Own Music”
“Listen to people with detachment, without wanting a
certain thing to be so, without judgment, just for the practice of
it. What you will hear is the cadence of desire on there voices...
but to hear the passion, you have to take yourself out of the
equation. Listen empty.” (p.23-25)

Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham from “The Spirituality
of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Journey to Wholeness”
“The practice of seeking out guides, mentors or social
friends who might give some direction in the journey toward
spirituality is an ancient one. Spiritual ‘directors’ - those who
offer some sense of direction - rarely ‘teach’ in the ordinary
sense of telling truths. Instead, they serve first and
foremost as listeners, hearers who attend in a way that
elicits honesty, sincerity, thoughtfulness and conscientiousness
from the speaker.... By listening well, by asking the right questions,
by requiring ‘wholeheartedness,’ a spiritual director helps
uncover the reality of one’s spiritual condition...”

Krishnamurti, 1981, “Education and The Significance of Life”
“To understand a child we have to watch him at play,
study him in his different moods; we cannot project upon him
our own prejudices, hopes and fears, or mold him to fit the pattern
of our desires.”

From James 1, King James Bible, New Testament
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear,
slow to speak, slow to wrath ..."

Dale Carnegie “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
“Midnight came. I said good night to everyone and
departed. The botanist then turned to our host and paid me
several flattering compliments. I was ‘most stimulating.’ I
was this and I was that; and he ended up by saying I was a
‘most interesting conversationalist.’ An interesting
conversationalist? I? Why, I had said hardly anything at all.

I couldn’t have said anything if I had wanted to without changing
the subject, for I don’t know any more about botany than I
know about the anatomy of a penguin. But I had done this:
I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely
interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That
kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay
to anyone.” (p.81)
October 20, 1999 newsletter issue


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3. INVITATIONAL EDUCATION - Excerpts and links to works of William Purkey and many kindred spirits (May 2000)

I learned of the works of William Purkey and his associates using Invitational Education from Nel Noddings, a leader in teaching and promoting caring ways that put the relationship between the carer and cared for as primary.  I am grateful for the warmth and smiles that emanates from this new discovery for me.  If Invitational Education is a new find for you, I hope you enjoy it as well.  I know your children can benefit from it. The two excerpts below can be found in the context of a larger writing by connecting to the Invitational Education Website at http://www.invitationaleducation.net/

What is Invitational Education?
Invitational Education is an approach to the teaching-learning process centered on interconnected assumptions offered to understand those myriad positive and negative signal systems that exist within the total educational environment. It is a theory of practice for communicating caring and appropriate messages intended to summon forth the realization of human potential as well as for identifying and changing those forces in schools which would defeat and destroy potential. Invitational Education asserts that every person and everything in and around schools adds to, or subtracts from, the process of being a beneficial presence in the lives of students. Ideally, the factors of people, places, policies, programs and processes should be so intentionally inviting as to create an environment in which every person is cordially summoned to develop intellectually, socially, physically, psychologically, and spiritually.

The purpose of the Inviting School Award is to recognize schools throughout the world who exhibit the philosophy of invitational education. The philosophy is centered on five propositions:

Five basic assumptions within Invitational Education

RESPECT: People are able, valuable, and responsible and should be treated accordingly.

TRUST: Education should be a cooperative, collaborative activity.

OPTIMISM: People possess untapped potential in all areas of worthwhile human endeavor.

TRUST: Process is as important as product.

INTENTIONALITY: Human potential can best be realized by creating and maintaining places, policies, processes and programs specifically designed to invite development, and by people who are intentionally inviting with themselves and others, personally and professionally ("The Five P's").

We invite you to view this excerpt from the website on Invitational Education. http://www.invitationaleducation.net/ie/ie.htm#Five basic assumptions



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4. Regarding motivation from William Purkey (new March 2001)
From a letter from William Purkey to Daniel Shore regarding discussions on the Invitational Education discussion forum (note the web address below).

Dear Dan,
Thanks for organizing our discussion group.
One thing that I would like to have discussed is the
nature of motivation. From my point of view, motivation is
never a problem. It is a given. Our charge as
Invitational Leaders is to determine the direction this
internal, always-active, motivation will take. Rather than
waste time trying to motivate people, it makes far better
sense to work on how this given motivation will be
directed. There is no difference between the mob leader
and the missionary, the thug and the theologian, the most
challenging student and the most talented.
I think it is critical for those of us who support
Invitational Education to wrestle with this concept of
intrinsic motivation.

In sum, I have never met or seen an unmotivated
person. I have met many who did not do what I would wish
them to do, but this is not to say they are unmotivated.
So, let the games begin.

Warm regards,
William W. Purkey

On Mon, 12 Mar 2001 "Daniel E. Shaw, Ph.D." <danshaw@NOVA.EDU> wrote:
> Dear Colleagues,
>
> Please take the time to visit our discussion forum. I know you have
> something to say!
> http://www.invitationaleducation.net/disc_frm.htm
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Daniel E. Shaw, Ph.D.


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5. The Force of Caring - Visual Work of Feelings and Movement (July 2001)

Talk by Marty Kirschen at the San Luis Obisbo Unitarian Fellowship, July 8, 2001.

1. Introduction and shorter definition of caring
2. Introduction to "the force of caring"
3. First stage - "A caring being," - the noun of caring
4. Second stage - "Being open," - Receptive awareness
5. Third stage - "Being caring," - responding and acting
6. Fourth stage - "Becoming caring," - as we do, we become
7. Bringing the stages together and conclusion
8. Link to graphic of the "force of caring."

1. Introduction and shorter definition of caring

Good Morning.

I am grateful for the opportunity to share with you on "caring" this morning. I have already had the good fortune to meet and experience the caring ways of some members of your congregation and I look forward to discussions with more of you after our service.

Today ... I’ll share a few of my favorite "25 words more or less" definitions ... and then move on to a view of caring that I believe is quite comprehensive - a four stage process I call "The force of caring." Both ways of understanding caring are important - one may serve as a helpful reminder, the other useful in building a way of life.

Educator Nel Noddings in her book "Caring, a feminine approach to ethics and moral education" writes "Apprehending the other’s reality, feeling what he feels as nearly as possible, is the essential part of caring from the view of the one-caring. For if I take on the other’s reality as possibility and begin to feel its reality, I feel also, that I must act accordingly." A concurring statement comes from psychologist Carl Rogers "... the degree to which I can create relationships which facilitate the growth of others as separate is a measure of the growth I have achieved in myself ..."

Here’s my offering .... which I write as a reminding question to myself ... "Am I extending a kindness or being helpful in a way that is useful to the person or thing being cared for? Will this better help them to go on their own ... and in turn, will this help them to become a force that caringly enhances their surroundings?"

2. Introduction to "the force of caring"

I have found - particularly in the last ten years as I went into teaching - an increasing need to understand and be caring. This second career ... came with a personal wish to find a way of work where kindness and competence would go hand in hand. I have found that smiles beget smiles. I have also found too many times - in the classroom and beyond - impatience and hostility are much present ... when I witnessed these moments I felt much sadness ... And sometimes it was I, who was causing the distress. Simply asking or telling myself, another grownup or child to be kind ... not only was not enough ... it often produced the wrong results. As a father, a partner, a teacher and human being, I often think of these words of Nel Noddings ... "the main aim of education should be to produce competent, caring, loving and lovable people."

So ... I have slowly worked to better understand ... what caring is and how it may grow. The most important lesson I learned can be understood via words by Thomas Moore ... from the opening pages of his book "Care of the Soul." "Care of the soul is not primarily a method of problem solving. It’s goal is not to make life problem free, but to give ordinary life the depth and value that come with soulfulness." This says to me that I will not - fully change - ways of being that I or others have ... however I will learn to be tendful, to bring more service, warmth, understanding and competence to my life and those around me. Somehow being caring will bring caring.

Easy enough to say ... hard enough to sometimes do. Notice I said "sometimes." ... for when the force of caring takes hold ... ways of doing come more naturally to us.

So ... now for that fuller view of the four stages of the force of caring. Number one is being a caring being. This is the noun of caring it is who we are, not what we do. Number two is receptive awareness - how, when we are open to the world, we experience what comes to us - as it is and not with a view of how I want it to be. The third stage is responding and acting - After experiencing in an open, receptive way ... we now take notice and respond in a helpful manner. Our final stage is the process of becoming more caring ... as we take the actions of our third step, we are becoming more caring. And may I add ..."we are all quite becoming."

In a way ... this view of caring is like a fuller view of knowing what rain is ... rather than just something wet that comes from the sky ... we can take the perspective of a farmer from Kansas who wants to know about water at rest, its ascendancy to the sky, its downpour, its use, its conservation to name just some ... So it is with caring ... not only do our caring ways sometimes sit quietly within us ... they are awakened, used and then somehow transform who we are and those we come into contact with.

I have two very good pieces of news as it concerns this model on caring. ... First - of the four stages ... two of them require nothing of you. Remember, this is a force - we sweep and are swept along. The second piece of good news is that I have a descriptive handout which you may receive after our service this morning (Please bite the illustration "The Force of Caring that precedes this article).

So please put away your mental pads of paper ... and join me on a journey. In our force of caring ... we set motions into motion begetting "emotions" that can grow in a beautiful way.

Think of how a hurricane starts with a big funnel and brings destruction to a point on earth ... a "care i caine," starts at a point on earth and grows into a larger and larger funnel positively touching those in its path. ... It may appear to move like a planet making ever larger orbits around the sun .... or on a smaller, slower plane ... have the appearance of the lines on the shell of a snail. Let’s illustrate this force right here in our sanctuary. Imagine - if it is not there already - on your left wrist - "an old fashioned non digital watch." Imagine also - there is but one hand ... the minute hand. ... We will proceed around our clock in four fifteen minute increments ... And given the circular and cumulative force of this caring process, know that the next time around ... the face of our clock, the length and sweep of its hands will grow ever wider.

3. First stage - "A caring being," - the noun of caring

Lets begin at our first stage of caring ... pointing at twelve o'clock. I call this "being," or a "caring being" ... This is the noun of caring ... before we are "being caring," we are "caring beings." And as you may have already guessed ... this stage requires no effort from us. This stage is "who I am," ... it resides within me at all times. It is not what I do, but it is the basis of what I do,

A caring being is who I am sleeping and when I just get up in the morning. It has nothing to do with which side of the bed I get out on. It has more to do with what side I went to sleep on the night before ... for who we are in caring is the sum total of all our experiences ... that prior evening ... just a few moments ago ... over the span of my whole life.

Thomas Moore, writes regarding this in his work ... "Original Self," This is from his chapter, "Living in the moment is all there is, yet it is not enough." "The idea of dealing only with what is is very different from facing life with all its contrary emotions, personal history, and complicated relationships. The complex mess of life, unfortunate from a certain point of view, is exactly what is. And so are the anxieties and memories and anticipations. They all exist in the precious present and constitute what is."

I recall the unconditional love that my father gave me so many times in my life as I faced struggles. As he was lying in his hospital bed waiting to go into a heart operation he never regained consciousness from ... he told me that he was afraid ... "I’m not ready to go." ... I said ... "Dad, I don’t want you to go either - but if you do your love and good ways will live on inside me and all those you have touched."

It was soon after that that I became more outspoken on building caring in my community, my classroom ... and I hope for me and those who I touch most closely. Somehow, indeed the memories and ways of my father, rest and sit deep within me - ever ready to be awakened to help in what I do in my life.

I realize that the connection between who we are and what we do is very fluid, very close ... yet somehow I believe it useful to also view these parts on their own.

Actually, our second stage is something that happens in between who we are and what we do ... so you see I am looking at this with a slow - slow - slow motion camera - it is like taking that gentle train ride from Los Angeles up along the coast ... there is so much to see along the tracks.

4. Second stage - "Being open," - Receptive awareness

Lets now move to our second stage ... the hand on our old fashioned, non digital watch .... pointing to the fifteen minute mark looking towards your fingers. .... I call this "receptive awareness." Yes ... this is reception, not perception ... not paying attention, not looking ... it is being open, letting in what there is to come to me. This can be a view or smell from outside or a feeling or thought from within. When we are open and receptive to life ... things come our way.

While this, just like the first stage requires no effort ... I believe it takes some effort and practice to come to this place. It is discovering the sunrise - not seeking it, receiving the scent of flowers before smelling the flowers, hearing distant plaintive cry of kittens come upon me.

Interestingly what we "do" in our lives has an influence on what reaches us when we are in a state of receptive awareness. Now, owning two cats, I have become more receptive to the distant plaintive cry of kittens or any other living being.

We may understand better this practice of receptive awareness from The wise Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa who writes in his work "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism" "The practice of meditation involves letting be - trying to go with the pattern, trying to go with the energy and the speed. In this way we learn how to deal with these factors, how to relate with them, not in the sense of causing them to mature in the way we would like, but in the sense of knowing them for what they are and working with their pattern."

He relates a story ... regarding the Buddha teaching meditation to a famous sitar player. The musician asked, "Should I control my mind or should I completely let go?" The Buddha answered, "Since you are a great musician, tell me how you would tune the strings of your instrument," The musician said, "I would make them not too tight and not too loose." "Likewise," said the Buddha, "in your meditation practice you should not impose anything too forcefully on your mind, nor should you let it wander. That is the teaching of letting the mind be in a very open way, of feeling the flow of energy without trying to subdue it and without letting it get out of control, of going with the energy pattern of the mind."

I find that receptive awareness is an excellent lead in to the next stage of the force of caring - responding and doing. Being open and non judgmental ... now when we finally turn our attention to someone or something ... we can do so by meeting them just where they are, just how they are and just who they are - like two relay runners exchanging the baton ... how fair and how opportune to be able to be helpful in a way that ties to the present essence of that or who we are now bringing our attention to. And ... just as it takes practice to be receptively aware ... it takes practice in responding and acting. There is something in this process that honors both the feminine and masculine ... first we respond and then we act ... how natural, how beautiful.

Before delving into this so important third stage, allow me to briefly restate our first two stages that bring us here. We started - at high noon - we spoke of the noun of caring ... ourselves as caring beings .... In the second stage - at the quarter hour mark, we looked at being open and receptively aware.

5. Third stage - "Being caring," - responding and acting

Now the third stage at the half hour mark ... we are now moving from reception to perception and in doing we are beginning to respond and act. How appropriate that the minute hand is now pointing towards us.

Let’s use an example. I notice someone approaching the door with packages. I am now turning my attention in a specific direction ... I am now focusing my attention towards this person, his packages, his journey ... the door. What am I to do?

We’ll look at our package illustration from the perspective of three different people ... or should I say three different levels - each of which may have some truth for us. I hope it is helpful in understanding the nature of responding and acting.

First there is someone who practices compassionate caring or what some people also refer to as natural caring. Milton Mayeroff, in his jewel of a book "On Caring," writes - "Obligations that derive from devotion are a constituent element in caring, and I do not experience them as forced on me or as necessary evils; there is a convergence between what I feel I am supposed to do and what I want to do.

So .... I see this man with a handful of packages ... I smile at him, I go and hold the door open. In doing this, not only am I being helpful ... my response to him has a welcoming quality as well. It is as though the open receptive awareness that I had in the prior stage of caring, now becomes a more directed form of welcoming receptivity.

The next level "down" yet as important is a person who Nel Noddings says is practicing an "ethic of caring." She writes - "recognizing that ethical caring requires an effort that is not needed _n natural caring - does not commit us to a position that elevates ethical caring over natural caring. Kant has identified the ethical with which is done out of duty and not out of love, and that distinction in itself seems right. But an ethic built on caring strives to maintain the caring attitude and is thus dependent upon, and not superior to natural caring." So ... I see this man with a handful of packages ... I don’t feel like getting up to help him, but I do recall - long ago - my mom used to hold doors open for people ... and I do realize it is the decent thing to do ... ok ... I’ll get up and do it.

Our third level of responding and acting - which while at or near the bottom of the caring "food chain," I think is potentially very powerful in building caring. This is the level I currently call "being troubled." I am an angry, unhappy and mean guy. I see you coming towards that door ... You see me seeing you ... I sit there ... you trip. This moment and more moments like these often can have a profound and growing effect on the person not caring and the person not being cared for. It is often these moments that cause crises, soul searchings and confrontations which in time - through their pain and hopefully healing may transform to more caring lives - for those hurt and those doing the hurting.

Thankfully most of us are working in and between the top two levels of caring ... being compassionate and / or calling upon some remembrance or ideal of caring that helps us along. In the purest sense, acts of caring do not need strong emotions to go along with them. I can help someone at a door because I really want to. I can also help someone because I become willing to "just do it."

6. Fourth stage - "Becoming caring," - as we do, we become

The beauty is ... and this is a way to segue into our final stage of caring ... as I do, I become ... as I am willing to do an action I become more wanting to do an action. I open the door for this man begrudgingly. He turns and says thank you ... I’m hooked ... I have just grown a notch from someone who practices an ethic of caring to someone who becomes more caring, more compassionate. Doing stage three at our half hour mark ... propels me to stage four at our three quarter hour mark ...

This is why I am very careful how I articulate words I use in describing - the third stage - the doing and our fourth one - the becoming of caring. We just can’t tell someone to be kind ... Acting with patience helps us move from impatience to understanding. Responding turns into becoming responsive and responsible .... acting with respect turns into feeling respect ... working to drop judgments helps us see the good in the other and compassion builds.

I would like to relate one caring practice that I have been working on alot in my years as a teacher. This is about the times I turn and give my full attention - listening to a child speak of something very important to him or her. When I wait through the pauses ... when I don’t help finish a thought ... when I look in a gentle friendly way ... when I do all this, I feel a growing empathy for the child and the child builds trust, good feelings and competence. I know its true ... just from the way the child responds just then and in the time to come.

I don’t believe in magic ... but I do believe that magical things happen when we practice such a simple thing as listening. Sometimes it becomes nothing short of a form of educational love.

In responding and acting ... for many of us there already are attitudes of possibility and feelings of warmth beneath what we do ... The key is that whether these feelings are there a little, somewhat or in abundance ... the mere practices of responding and acting bring more of these feelings. Indeed in our force of caring ... to repeat from before ...we set motions into motion begetting "emotions" that can grow in a beautiful way.

7. Bringing the stages together and conclusion

While the best way to build our caring ways is to experience the caring ways of caring people ... sometimes some good old self-help is the way of the day. To this end and as a way to bring my talk to an end, I’ll share with you about a little dance I use that I call ... doing the caring one step. And that is, I take a habit I have and find a way to improve it one little step. And when that is more securely within me ... move one step further again. For example ... when listening to you speak, I often interrupt and change the topic ... I will now work on just interrupting and not changing the topic. And maybe, just maybe ... in a few weeks ... I won’t interrupt ... I may someday even build on the wise words of St. Francis of Assisi ... Not only will I "understand before being understood." ... I’ll just understand.

And guess what ... caring that goes around does come around - through our ways of being caring ... I will become a more caring being ... and - so will you.

8. Link to graphic of the "force of caring."

http://www.caringeducation.net/html/want.html#item5

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