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1. INTRODUCTION SECTION
In September 1999, we first published a newsletter addendum of examples
sent us by readers of our newsletter that showed ways being caring helps
builds caring. The list has been growing, and below you will now find
ninety examples of caring ways. The additions are a combination of
what has come in various communications from readers as well as "other
ways" that have learned or know of from varied sources.
To make this issue easier to use, we are including two facets to
the format we orignially had. All new items will be marked *
(since our last list update of approximately nine months ago)
and we are preceding the fuller expressions of our listing with a
table of contents which shows the first line of each entry, so to
make for easier referral.
The purpose of this listing is not to define caring - but rather to
pass on offerings of what many people believe caring attitudes
and actions are. Perhaps the examples and the groupings they
are tending to fall into will help us to some day to write a piece
on aspects to caring.
This will always be a work in progress ... so please forgive us
if you find some examples in groupings that don't work for you.
And, as you already know, your comments and contributions are
encouraged and welcome.
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2. CARING WAYS CONTENTS SECTION
1 Compliments
1. When paying a compliment, be specific. ..."That's a nice...
2. Celebrate successes you learn about from the children's...
3. Compliment the children for being kind and courteous and be...
4. Go out of your way to compliment a child who gets very...
5. Compliment the efforts, not just the successes. ... "That was...
6. Show appreciation for receiving a compliment ... "Thanks for...
7 Phone call home expressing something positive about the child...
2 Noticing and acknowledging
1. Celebrate all birthdays - even ones that do not occur on ....
2. Ask the child about something that you know is important...
3. When a child returns to school from being absent, ask them...
4 .When we see one child has a difficulty, we can address the...
5. When we see a child is upset, take time to speak with them...
6 When you see a child in the middle of an art project, consider...
7 If a child wishes to give you a gift of a work of art, accept it ...
3 Small gestures and acts go a long way
1. Don't try to show the children how much you care all at once...
2. Give a reward or gift for no reason at all - other than to...
3. Setting an example by beautifying is stronger than telling...
4. Find a way to make a personal contact to parents and care ...
5. At transitions to lessons create environments and actions that...
6. A gesture that accommodates individual needs is appreciated by...
7. A gift that is more an aesthetic or artistic expression ... one...
8. Add to physical comfort as well bring a feeling of relaxation ...
9. Work on placement of desk so that when a child comes up ...
10. Consider how necessary a rule is to determine if it is worth keeping...
11. Give fair accomodations when giving a test such as...
4 Hellos and goodbyes / Beginnings and endings
1. Greet each child individually each morning. ... "Good morning...
2. Tell the students what was new and good for you this...
3. During the day, when seeing a child, look at him or her and...
4. At the end of the day, find a way to say something to each...
5. Know how to gracefully end a conversation with a child that is going on...
6. Enter into and exit a period of quiet rest or reading with a gentle voice...
7. When ending a conversation pause silently with the child before turning...
5 Working on my own showing of anger and hostility
1. It is important to know how to deal with my own anger...
2. Deal with my own anger by making self statements...
3. Notice if my angry response to a child scares or demoralizes...
4. Be aware that responding to a child in a deadpan neutral...
5. Be aware of my own bias towards a child and go out of...
6. When a child does something that is troubling or hostile...
7. When I am feeling anger rise up within me, it can be helpful...
8. If I do lose or show my temper, it is helpful to talk about it...
9. Be aware of holding on to an angry feeling too long - because ...
10. Be careful when dealing with anger to not to humiliate a child ...
11. Be careful about acting revengeful towards a child I am angry ...
12. When a child does something wrong, quickly - like pulling a book ...
13. * When I over react now due to being on edge because of how the student ...
14. * When I find myself staying with a point of view that is wrong due to ...
6 Seeking and expressing the good
1. Identify some positive intent that exists, even in an action...
2. When I find it hard to relate to a certain student, I stand ...
3. Take note when I am starting to show continual disfavor ...
4. Notice when I am trying to find fault with a student and not...
5. Tell myself that the student is doing something that annoys me...
6. Use light humorous suasion to help a student see a higher view of...
7 Listening to gain understanding
1 . Listen first. We forget that teaching is not just giving ...
2 . When beginning to hear what is happening with the child it...
3 . Some times kneel next to the child to communicate...
4 . When listening to a child it is often useful to drop or suspend...
5 . We can listen with our eyes as well as our ears to a whole ...
6 . Lets not forget to take time to listen in quiet - alone, or along ...
7 . We can find quiet time for reflection or relaxing after a more ...
*8. Sometimes active listenting is helpful by nodding and saying some ...
*9. In listening it is helpful to confirm, paraphrase, check for understanding ...
*10. There is a concept known as "deep listening," where I listen and use no ...
8 Engaging the students in communication of all sorts
1 . Bring in stories of your own experiences. ... "I know how...
2 . Ask questions about feelings - not just facts. ... "If you got...
3 . Allow your weaknesses to show - this is very human...
4 . When pressed for time, communicate with your students...
5 . Have a message center in the classroom where students...
6 . When seeking solutions with children, try to give them...
7 . An awareness that the children are not having fun due to...
8 . Showing patience when a child is needing more time to...
9 . Take time to engage with the children as they play or...
10 . In conversation, work on civilly taking turns and in...
11 . Listen by looking earnestly at the student and not while...
12 . Acknowledge the earnestness or genuineness of what you...
13 . Be aware of my own voice regarding tone and conversational ...
14 . Am I speaking in a vocabulary that is understandable, words...
15 . Sometimes it is helpful to 'slow down' what is going on, be it...
16 . Find that good balance between attachment and neutrality...
17 . Be careful to give the child an opportunity to speak...
18 . Before I presuppose the child knows what I am talking about...
19 . Allow time for independent work without hovering over the ...
20 . When speaking to a child who is already speaking with...
21. In conversation, it is often very nice to say the child's name...
22. There is a demeanor in which we can have a gentle smile on...
23* Be careful on how long there is eye contact when there is silence...
24* When a child asks a question - get around to answering it...
25* When saying thank you for something, be looking at the child ...
9 Engaging the students in resolving social problems
1 . Be careful about invoking the "Golden Rule" too early in...
2 . When we need to speak seriously to a child regarding...
3 . If children get into a fight, listen to both sides not just the...
4 . Note when a child in the class is being "excluded" by...
5 . It is ok to admit mistakes and apologize...
6 . Allow feelings of mercy to be present for what is going...
7 . Find a way to improve performance that looks for improvement ...
8 . Do not embarrass a child - by making an example of something ...
9. When you notice a transgression, allow the child to see you noticed...
10 Bring closure or sense of status to where things stand
1 . After listening to a situation, take time to ask questions ...
2 . If an answer is not arrived at right away, prepare the child...
3 . When a child has difficulty choosing one thing or...
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3. CARING WAYS MAIN SECTION
1 Compliments
1 . When paying a compliment, be specific. ..."That's a nice
blue shirt." "Your spelling was really good in this paragraph."
2 . Celebrate successes you learn about from the children's
home lives. ... "Congratulations on helping at home." "I hear
you babysat - terrific!"
3 . Compliment the children for being kind and courteous and be
courteous yourself. ... "Thanks for saying you're welcome."
4 . Go out of your way to compliment a child who gets very
few strokes. ... Take more care to notice what is important to them.
5 . Compliment the efforts, not just the successes. ... "That was
a good try on that puzzle, I see you really working hard."
6 . Show appreciation for receiving a compliment ... "Thanks for
noticing my new tie, I'm glad you like it."
7. Phone call home expressing something positive about the child ...
"Hi, I wanted to let you know how friendly Joel was to a new student today."
2 Noticing and acknowledging
1 . Celebrate all birthdays - even ones that do not occur on
school days. ... Like when it falls on weekends, holidays or
during a school break.
2 . Ask the child about something that you know is important
to him or her. ... "How was that Little League game you played
last night?"
3 . When a child returns to school from being absent, ask them
how they are. ... "Johnny, are you feeling better now?"
4 . When we see one child has a difficulty, we can address the
subject to the class as a whole ... "Some of you may be having
difficulty drawing a fish, who would like to share a good way
for the class to see."
5 . When we see a child is upset, take time to speak with them
privately to see what is going on ... that action is appreciated.
6. When you see a child in the middle of an art project, consider
initially asking the child about it in a positive way rather than immediately
pointing out what you see and that you like it.
7. If a child wishes to give you a gift of a work of art, accept it even
if you do not really want it at that moment in time.
3 Small gestures and acts go a long way
1 . Don't try to show the children how much you care all at once
once - build up.... Start with a simple daily greeting, then add
compliments or other comments later.
2 . Give a reward or gift for no reason at all - other than to
show you love them. ... "Tomorrow, we all gets a treat, a
popcorn party!"
3 . Setting an example by beautifying is stronger than telling
children to do it. ... When walking on the school yard, pick up
a gum wrapper during recess.
4 . Find a way to make a personal contact to parents and care givers
providers soon. ... Acknowledge the importance of their role and
something positive about their child.
5 . At transitions to lessons create environments and actions that
bring feelings of warmth. ... At story telling, use softer lighting
and gather the children around on the rug as you read from your
rocking chair.
6 . A gesture that accommodates individual needs is appreciated by
children ... such as the willingness to give extra time to a child who
is a very nervous test taker.
7 . A gift that is more an aesthetic or artistic expression ... one
teacher gives an example of giving an eraser with an attached note
that says, "this is to remind you that everyone makes miss takes
and that it is okay."
8 . Add to physical comfort as well bring a feeling of relaxation
by having big pillows or a couch in room.
9 . Work on placement of desk so that when a child comes up
to speak to the teacher, the child will be next to the chair
and not across from me.
10. Consider how necessary a rule is to determine if it is worth keeping
" Do we really need to raise our hand to use the pencil sharpener" for example.
11. Give fair accomodations when giving a test such as " Sally would you like
to take the spelling test at your desk or sitting on couch?"
4 Hellos and goodbyes
1 . Greet each child individually each morning. ... "Good morning
Alex, how are you to day?"
2 . Tell the students what was new and good for you this
morning, ... and ask the students to share the same.
3 . During the day, when seeing a child, look at him or her and
smile. ... There are so many non-verbal ways that we can show
we care.
4 . At the end of the day, find a way to say something to each
child individually. ... One teacher looks at each booklet with
the homework assignment in it and gives a pleasantry.
5. Know how to gracefully end a conversation with a child that is going on
too long - "Jimmy, I like what you are saying, but we need to continue our
conversation later when we have more time."
6. Enter into and exit a period of quiet rest or reading with a gentle voice -
"(quietly) O.K. now children, let's get ready for silent reading."
7. When ending a conversation pause silently with the child before turning -
A short pause while still looking at the child shows that he or she is
important and that you are not just rushing to the next thing to do."
5 Working on my own showing of anger and hostility
1 . It is important to know how to deal with my own anger
in a purely physical way ... such as taking a deep breath,
counting to ten, find my own space, etc.
2 . Deal with my own anger by making self statements. ...
Think thoughts that neutralize or counter immediate
negative thoughts
3 . Notice if my angry response to a child scares or demoralizes
him or her. ... We can always work on how we interact with
children.
4 . Be aware that responding to a child in a deadpan neutral
way can be accurately interpreted as 'displeasure.' ... There is
a way to be more neutral with an underpinning of affection,
rather than with an underpinning of displeasure.
5 . Be aware of my own bias towards a child and go out of
my way to try to deal with this child fairly ... just because
I don't like tattoos, I should not treat a student unkindly
due to this (new).
6 . When a child does something that is troubling or hostile
it can be helpful to ask myself and/or the child ... "What's
really going on or what is happening behind what you are
saying and the way you are saying it."
7 . When I am feeling anger rise up within me, it can be helpful
to me and the child to let them know what is happening ... "I
am starting to feel angry, so I am going to do something to
help me get calm again.
8 . If I do lose or show my temper, it is helpful to talk about it
and share with the source of irritation either how ... "I am sorry
for doing that" or "let's see what can be done so that I feel calm
again."
9 . Be aware of holding on to an angry feeling too long - because
if I do, there may be an expression of temper that is not
necessary.
10 . Be careful when dealing with anger to not to humiliate a child,
this is an easy trap to fall into.
11 . Be careful about acting revengeful towards a child I am angry at,
like going out of my way to find fault and punish him or her.
12. When a child does something wrong, quickly - like pulling a book
away from another child, be careful about going up and snappy the
book away from the offending child.
*13. When I over react now due to being on edge because of how the student
has been instigating in the minutes prior, I admit that the child did not do
anything wrong just now however they were responsible for creating a
situation that has me on edge. (new November 2001)
*14. When I find myself staying with a point of view that is wrong due to
my pride or irritation I feel regarding the other person, it is good to fess
up to this first to myself and then determine the decent way to change
course and share about it to the other person. (new November 2001)
6 Seeking and expressing the good
1 . Identify some positive intent that exists, even in an action
that does not work out well. ... "I know you want to help your
friend, but giving him the answers on the test is a not a
useful way."
2 . When I find it hard to relate to a certain student, I stand
back, look and say, ... "God (or someone in his or her life)
loves this child, and I will too."
3 . Take note when I am starting to show continual disfavor
with a child. ... Often by understanding more what is going on
with the child will help me (find a way to) feel more positive.
4 . Notice when I am trying to find fault with a student and not
only stop, but look to do the opposite ... "Vince, I noticed that
after you scowled at Sally, you caught yourself - good work."
5. Tell myself that the student is doing something that annoys me
but not to annoy me - "That clucking sound that Albert makes for example."
6. Use light humorous suasion to help a student see a higher view of
him or herself - "Alice, even though I'm sure what you are saying to Susan is of
great importance, you know you can it can wait until after our silent period."
7 Listening to gain understanding
1 . Listen first. We forget that teaching is not just giving answers
and reasons. ... In this way we validate the thinking process of our
students as it is presented to us.
2. When beginning to hear what is happening with the child it
is good to turn our body towards the child. ... In this way we
show that we are giving our full attention.
3. Some times kneel next to the child to communicate
with him or her. ... Speaking from on high can be distancing and
can feel daunting.
4. When listening to a child it is often useful to drop or suspend
judgment. ... By not doing so, we may prejudge what we are about
to hear.
5. We can listen with our eyes as well as our ears to a whole group
of children or mainly one from afar ... quiet observation can give
good insights.
6. Lets not forget to take time to listen in quiet - alone, or along
with the students doing the same ... quiet reflection helps me look
back or forward as well as just allows whatever feelings and
thoughts to rise up.
7. We can find quiet time for reflection or relaxing after a more
active time ... through using some expression such as guided imagery
or music that allows a mood to be set and calm to return.
*8. Sometimes active listenting is helpful by nodding and saying some
words along the way that shows I am very interested in what the child
is telling me and am encouraging them to continue. We should be careful
to affirm along the lines of what is being expressed and not have our
responses reflect what we want. (new November 2001)
*9. In listening it is helpful to confirm, paraphrase, check for understanding.
In this way the other person realizes we are listening and most importantly
for both of us, we are aiming to gain fuller understanding. (new November 2001)
*10. There is a concept known as "deep listening," where I listen and use no
gestures, expressions or words. By doing this I am truly leaving the expression
to the child, patiently waiting through some periods of silence or their pausing
to find the right words to use. It is helpful to the child to know why I am doing
this so that they do not believe I am being unfriendly or unsupportive. The more
any form of good listening occurs we find that even in this form of silence, the
child can sense quiet support. Of course this works in some situations and it
is up to the teacher to understand how extensively to use this approach.
(new November 2001)
8 Engaging the students in communication of all sorts
1 . Bring in stories of your own experiences. ... "I know how
frightening it was for Hansel and Gretel to get lost in the woods,
it happened to me one time."
2 . Ask questions about feelings - not just facts. ... "If you got
lost how would you feel," rather than just saying "What would
you do?"
3 . Allow your weaknesses to show - this is very human. ...
"I must admit, I had trouble learning how to boil an egg and,
my mom was a home Economics teacher!"
4 . When pressed for time, communicate with your students
later in writing. ... One teacher has a special box where she
puts notes to her students.
5 . Have a message center in the classroom where students
can give the teacher notes that can be read and responded
to at a quiet time (new).
6 . When seeking solutions with children, try to give them
opportunities to choose among alternatives. ... Providing
choices increases a child's problem solving ability as
well as enhancing his or her feelings of self worth.
7 . An awareness that the children are not having fun due to
a controlling environment in your class. ... Noticing and
empathizing are often the first steps to bringing changes,
even small ones.
8 . Showing patience when a child is needing more time to
figure something out. ... Often the teacher or other students
want to come to the 'rescue' too soon.
9 . Take time to engage with the children as they play or
work peacefully ... " Good shot, Ruben."
10 . In conversation, work on civilly taking turns and in
doing so, give the other person time to fully finish a thought
without undue interruption.
11 . Listen by looking earnestly at the student during the entire
and not while doing something else at the same time ... shuffling
papers for example.
12 . Acknowledge the earnestness or genuineness of what you
are hearing from the student ... "I can tell that playing with
your cousins is really important to you."
13 . Be aware of my own voice regarding tone and conversational
style. "Am I being too preachy when I really want to be more
casual - and take more time to seek and listen to the
comments of the student."
14. Am I speaking in a vocabulary that is understandable, words
that are not too difficult or syntax too complicated ... "Let
me say that again in a simpler way."
15. Sometimes it is helpful to 'slow down' what is going on, be it
in a singular conversation or activities in the room ... "ok now,
let's go back to our seats and line up again - quietly.
16. Find that good balance between attachment and neutrality.
Sometimes acting detached with a goal to build independence will
actually accomplish the opposite. It is helpful to be warm, but
to discuss ways that encourages and teaches a child to learn to
eventually help themselves (new).
17. Be careful to give the child an opportunity to speak ... when
we don't give another a chance to easily take a turn in the
conversation it becomes frustrating for that person.
18. Before I presuppose the child knows what I am talking about...
it is prudent to check that out "Alvin, were you aware of the rule
about bringing pet possums to school unannounced?
19. Allow time for independent work without hovering over the
student ... when given the room to make little transgressions, the
student may find them less attractive to do.
20. When speaking to a child who is already speaking with
another child ... be aware of "how I will speak without
interrupting rudely.
21. In conversation, it is often very nice to say the child's name at
various times in a converstion - "Tashay, can you tell me again what
why you like this story so much."
22. There is a demeanor in which we can have a gentle smile on our
face. Finding a friendly place within you and expressing it is helpful
to a child.
23* Be careful on how long there is eye contact when there is silence ...
It is good to look at a child eyes however we can be sensitive as to how
long is comfortable. (new September 2001)
24* When a child asks a question - get around to answering it ... it
can be reassuring to to be gotten back to even if it is to say, "I can't
answer that until later." (new September 2001)
25* When saying thank you for something, be looking at the child. This is
a very strong way to communicate caringly. (new September 2001)
9 Engaging the students in resolving social problems
1. Be careful about invoking the "Golden Rule" too early in
problem solving. ... This can bring about guilt or resentment.
It may be better to initially ask, "How do you think she feels,"
rather than, "how would you like it if she did that to you?"
2. When we need to speak seriously to a child regarding
behavior, avoid embarrassing them. ... Find a way to
conference privately or discreetly.
3. If children get into a fight, listen to both sides not just the
child who was hurt or is crying. ... There is sometimes a cause
behind the cause that needs to be understood.
4. Note when a child in the class is being "excluded" by
others. ... Give that child attention alone, and with the class
present. This one can be delicate.
5. It is ok to admit mistakes and apologize ...
"Guess what kids, I made a mistake and I'm sorry."
6. Allow feelings of mercy to be present for what is going
on or has happened with a child. Feeling mercy does not
mean not dealing with the situation - it just allows us to be
more compassionate (new).
7. Find a way to improve performance that looks for improvement
and not perfection ... "Alfredo - show me that you are making an
effort to interrupt less ... by interrupting less.
8. Do not embarrass a child - by making an example of something
that is best handled privately ... conference privately with the
student.
9. When you notice a transgression, allow the child to see you noticed
what they just did, but you are not calling him or her on it. This often
gives the child the opportunity to appreciatively self correct.
10 Bring closure or sense of status to where things stand
1. After listening to a situation, take time to ask questions first
before taking action. ... This gives helps the child assess the
situation and contribute to finding the answer.
2. If an answer is not arrived at right away, prepare the child
for it. ... "We will continue after tomorrow, in the meantime
congratulate yourself on the progress you made."
3. When a child has difficulty choosing one thing or
another, ... helping them choose either one can resolve the
situation.
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4. Teachers as Role Models:
Hurtful Language and Behavior in the Classroom
By Susan Gingras Fitzell and Marty Kirschen
2002
A bright eighth grader came home distraught one day. The child’s mom asked, “What’s wrong?” The child’s answer was disheartening. “I want to be home schooled. School isn’t fun like it used to be. Teachers are so mean.” The concerned mom talked to her child, a child who teachers raved about, a child who is known as a leader, a good friend, and a positive, strong personality. “Mom, it’s not what the teachers say or do to me, it’s how they act toward the other kids, the kids they don’t like, or the ones don’t do so well in school. These teachers, Mom, are supposed to be role models. I would never do the things they do to other kids! But, today, the teacher did yell at me in front of everyone because other kids in my group were talking. He said I should have made them stop talking. He asked me if I was too afraid to make them stop! Then he said that I should be a role model. Mom, it’s so hypocritical. I can’t make kids stop talking. I’m sick of it. Because of the way these teachers treat kids, I don’t even want to go to school anymore.”
This situation had been progressing over a period of three months. The mother finally decided to take action and speak to her child’s teachers. What she saw was the faces of teachers who had no idea that they were hurting kids, kids that they thought the world of, kids for which they truly they cared. Most teachers mean well when they react to frustrations, disappointments, and challenges in the classroom. Good intentions, however, don’t always make up for the pain caused by hurtful teacher behaviors.
Today, much of our society accepts some of the most hurtful language as acceptable humor. Sarcasm has become commonplace in the home, classroom, and media. Much media humor is sarcastic. Unfortunately, that very sarcasm is what fuels an uncaring community in the classroom. Some kids think it’s funny. Some kids are indifferent. Some kids can’t read the innuendo and social signals behind its use. Some kids misunderstand it, and some kids are deeply hurt by it. How does a classroom teacher decide what is ‘safe sarcasm’ and what is not? How does a classroom teacher decide what is a positive and effective reaction in the classroom or what is not? Is there ever room for teachers to be hurtful in their approach to their students? There are those that would justify it, however, those same teachers pay a price beyond what they may recognize. That price is the children’s sense of well-being, wholeness, and their potential success. Often, rather than more compliant students, they get students who lash out.
Hurtful behaviors and language in the classroom may be considered bullying. Consider what behaviors we don’t accept from students toward other students in our classrooms. Do we, teachers, ever use those same behaviors towards students in the name of discipline, classroom management, or even motivation?
What teacher behaviors are hurtful or actually bullying? How do we know if we are using these behaviors? One way to consider these difficult questions is to reflect. We can ask ourselves:
Do we ever do the following behaviors?
- Make fun of a child (kidding children about moving slowly, not being with it, behaviors we find uncomfortable or odd, etc.)
- Ignore the pain or sadness of a child
- Become verbally brutal in our words or tone: Shouting out orders to do something ... “Come here!” “You stay there!” in a commanding or disdainful way, calling kids losers, telling them they are SpEd so they are not smart enough to read ‘that’ book, etc.
- Issue vindictive or counter productive threats: ‘If you don’t finish your work, you won’t get lunch.’ The difference between hurtful threats and discipline is discipline teaches appropriate behavior and is thought out ahead of time with the child’s understanding of the consequences.
- Be inappropriate with intimacy: Holding or hugging in a way that is inappropriate, or kissing.
- Be brusque or short in time given to listen to a child
- Continually point out what the child is doing wrong
- Push a child along physically; manhandling or pulling to make the child move.
- Snatch an object out of a child’s hands
- Think disdainfully of a child and letting it show
- Yell in an out of control manner at a child
- Cross the line between showing appropriate anger in a respectful way and being disrespectful to a child to show our anger.
- Tell a child that they did something bad when what they did was not deliberate or malicious.
- Assume the worst about what a child just did without taking the time to understand the child’s reasoning and motivation.
- Not act when a child is mistreating another child.
- Not act when a grown-up is mistreating another child (finding the best way and time is not easy)
- Use hurtful sarcasm directed at a student to discipline.
- Talk badly about kids in the teacher’s room, or worse, in the halls or classroom in front of kids.
- Deliberately humiliate children in front of their peers.
Some other examples of hurtful behaviors that children have experienced at the hands of their teachers are:
- A child’s binder is unkempt so the teacher holds it up as an example to the class and lets all the contents fall onto the floor as the teacher berates the child in front of everyone.
- Praising the children who got A’s in a way that embarrasses them and makes them targets of envy or causes others in the class to feel put down.
- Targeting kids that are labeled ‘trouble makers’. Not cutting them any slack, while at the same time, favoring kids who are more popular, athletic, or intelligent. Allowing those kids to escape deserved discipline that the targeted kids must endure.
Reflecting on our behavior and language to address problem issues is never easy. None of us is perfect. All of us fail to meet our own standards at times. The purpose of reflection is not to find our “failures” and berate ourselves for them, but rather to see where we may be able to improve and help ourselves and our students to grow.
Two simple approaches to behavior management that make a huge difference in the atmosphere of our classrooms:
First: Use positive language when speaking to youth. Never use sarcasm or destructive criticism.
Second: Use authoritative discipline. The authoritative approach is firm, but involves students in making class rules providing the rationale behind those rules.
We are our students’ role models. We want to be the best role model we can be! We can when we take the time to reflect, change what is not working or what we don’t like, and grow from the experience.
Susan Fitzell's work is offered through her website - AIMH Educational Programs
http://www.aimhieducational.com/education.html
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Section 5
Principle #8 of the 11 Principles of Effective Character Education
written by Tom Lickona, Eric Schaps, and Catherine Lewis
for the Character Education Partnership
http://www.character.org/principles/
Principle #8
"Engages the school staff as a learning and moral community that shares responsibility for character education and attempts to adhere to the same core values that guide the education of students."
All school staff—teachers, administrators, counselors, school psychologists, coaches, secretaries, cafeteria workers, playground aides, bus drivers—need to be involved in learning about, discussing, and taking ownership of the character education effort. First and foremost, staff members assume this responsibility by modeling the core values in their own behavior and taking advantage of other opportunities to influence the students with whom they interact.
Second, the same values and norms that govern the life of students serve to govern the collective life of adult members in the school community. Like students, adults grow in character by working collaboratively with each other and participating in decision-making that improves classrooms and school. They also benefit from extended staff development and opportunities to observe colleagues and then apply character development strategies in their own work with students.
Third, a school that devotes time to staff reflection on moral matters helps to ensure that it operates with integrity. Through faculty meetings and smaller support groups, a reflective staff regularly asks questions such as: What character building experiences is the school already providing for its students? What negative moral experiences (e.g., peer cruelty, student cheating, adult disrespect of students, littering of the grounds) is the school currently failing to address? And what important moral experiences (e.g., cooperative learning, school and community service, opportunities to learn about and interact with people from different racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds) is the school now omitting? What school practices are at odds with its professed core values and desire to develop a caring school community? Reflection of this nature is an indispensable condition for developing the moral life of a school.
http://www.character.org/principles/index.cgi?file=Prin8.htm
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Breaking Your Bad Discipline Habits
Replace the tactics that don't work with ones that do
MOM GUIDE - Parenting magazine – from AOL - January 30, 2005
http://www.parenting.com/parenting/
Nagging
We all nag. And we all know how fruitless it is. Either your child resorts to fibbing ("I did wash my hands! Really!") or he learns to tune you out.
Try this instead: Use eye contact and state your expectations as calmly as possible. Fewer words are better. Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to tell you not to eat in the living room?" say, "No eating in the living room." And try not to load up on commands. It's better for him to do one thing (put on his shoes) than hear a whole string of orders.
Yelling
What's true of nagging is doubly true of yelling -- we all do it, and we all feel guilty every time we do. Even if it does occasionally get results, it just teaches your child that it's OK to raise his voice when he's angry.
Try this instead: A proper scolding names the misbehavior at hand. Your child really does need to know what he's done wrong, as long as you don't raise your voice or lose your temper.
Turning requests into questions
It's a hard habit to break, especially after years of asking your young child rhetorical questions as a way of making conversation -- "How about a little breakfast now? Doesn't that sound good?"
Try this instead: State, don't ask. Remember to frame your expectations in a polite, respectful manner by adding "please" and "thank you": "I need you to turn off the TV now and start getting ready, please.
Issuing empty warnings
A good warning can be an effective discipline strategy. The problem comes when you threaten in anger, grossly exaggerate ("If you do that again, I'm not taking you outside all day"), or fail to be specific ("You'll be sorry!").
Try this instead: Make your warnings more specific and immediate. ("I'm warning you. If you don't give that toy back to your baby sister, I'm going to have to put you in time-out.") Use a calm, firm tone of voice that makes it clear you're in control.
Apologizing too much
Saying you are sorry when you've made a mistake is an act that strengthens your bond with your kids. But even a young child can sense when your apology isn't heartfelt, and constantly saying sorry for the same mistake wears thin.
Try this instead: Make a genuine effort to cut back on, for instance, yelling. There are actually two parts to an apology -- your words and your actions.
Giving the cold shoulder
While removing a privilege can be an effective penalty, turning away from your child when she wants to kiss and make up or giving her the silent treatment after she's misbehaved can make her feel unworthy of your love and affection. Try this instead: Tell your child how upset you are. Just do it calmly without making her feel rejected. Your aim is to make it clear that it's the behavior that's driving you crazy, not her.
--Marianne Neifert, M. D.
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Positive behavior support is an approach to helping to improve behavior that combines behavioral and caring approaches. This first excerpt and link is from Northern Arizona University. I believe that it expresses an overview of Positive Behavior Support (PBS) that is written in a very understandable way. You will also see as you peruse these sites that involvement of parents with the school and at home alone can be part of this process. There are also links at the end of this excerpt to organizations that do much work in this area. One of the leading universities that does research and practice in this area is the University of Oregon.
#7 What is Positive Behavior Support (PBS) and Why is it important
This information is gleaned from Northern Arizona University.
Please refer to the link for examples of PBS strategies as well.
http://www.nau.edu/~ihd/positive/ovrvw.html#WHAT
I. WHAT IS POSITIVE BEHAVIOR SUPPORT?
Positive Behavior Support (PBS) is an approach to helping people improve their difficult behavior that is based on four things:
A. An Understanding that people (even caregivers) do not control others, but seek to support others in their own behavior change process;
B. A Belief that there is a reason behind most difficult behavior, that people with difficult behavior should be treated with compassion and respect, and that they are entitled to lives of quality as well as effective services;
C. The Application of a large and growing body of knowledge about how to better understand people and make humane changes in their lives that can reduce the occurrence of difficult behavior; and
D. A Conviction to continually move away from coercion - the use of unpleasant events to manage behavior.
Coercion involves attempting to control the behavior of others through threat of, or escape from unpleasant events. Coercion minimizes the dignity of the other person, often provokes retaliation, and sometimes causes physical and emotional harm. One example of coercion involves overpowering someone and physically forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If he doesn’t comply, he is forced and continues to be forced until he gives up fighting. A common and relatively minor example includes taking privileges away from a person when she misbehaves. However, even minor coercion can be harmful in that it can take away from the dignity, autonomy, and sense of self-control of the other person. Equally important is that when minor coercion that was once effective ceases to work, caregivers tend to increase the level of coercion rather than decrease it. They may increase the length of time required to spend in time-out, the amount of privileges taken away, or the tone of voice used.
PBS involves a commitment to continually search for new ways to minimize coercion. This does not mean parents or caregivers should be judged harshly if they occasionally resort to yelling. We all fall back on patterns of caregiving that have worked for us in the past, especially when we are challenged by difficult behavior. PBS simply means that we, as caregivers, recognize the times when we have resorted to coercion, and continually seek to find alternatives that we can use next time we're challenged with similar behavior.
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II. WHY DO WE NEED POSITIVE BEHAVIOR SUPPORT?
Many people with difficult behavior have been misunderstood and mistreated throughout our history. People with developmental disabilities, in particular, have been subject to a wide array of disrespectful, humiliating and even painful, conditions in the name of "effective treatment". In recent years, however, there has been a growing body of research that demonstrates that even the most challenging behaviors can improve with the help of one or more of the approaches outlined below. The combination of these is the field called Positive Behavior Support. This document is an attempt to summarize current knowledge in the field so that more families/caregivers and providers can know that there are alternatives to punishment, and what those alternatives are.
The following links are either from the University of Oregon, or places they refer to. (Marty Kirschen, editor)
http://www.pbis.org/main.htm
http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~ttobin/
http://ericec.org/digests/e580.html
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