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1. Introduction
"The world ... and the word ... according to caring."
The section is meant to be a growing and evolving tool to help understand
better what caring is. We understand that people have individual
ideas of what caring is ... however, we do believe that there is
a benefit to beginning this exercise. We may discover meanings that
we have not considered that can help our own thinking and doing
... and we also welcome your submissions of words and definitions
to us. Today we start with the letters a,b,c. The ABC's of caring
is a term that Alfie Kohn used in an article he wrote. You may wish
to look at his works. I list him as a resource in the weblinks window
of our website under featured sites
http://www.alfiekohn.org
Our web carer, Walter Smith, shared with me a fascinating site
that helps understand connections and meanings between words. We
offer it to you for your exploration, pleasure, and meaning. Perhaps
this can help all of us as we build this caring dictionary. http://www.plumbdesign.com/thesaurus
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2. "A"
About caring > Caring about in contrast to caring for.
Sometimes we care about something that we have feelings for ...
however do not always follow up with an action. This may because
we choose not to (due to a low level of caring or "our plates
may be quite full regarding the caring actions we undertake), or
it is difficult to (helping all the hungry children in the world).
Actualization >
Affect > In that caring brings together a positive attitude
to a helpful action, affect would be the friendly or supportive
outer expression of an inner positive attitude. Affection
is a friendly feeling that is expressed.
Aloneness > This is one of the meta practices
of caring. After an act of caring has taken place, we sometimes
take time to do any of the following ... reflect, remember, meditate,
pray, rest, consider, etc. I sometimes refer to this process with
another umbrella term - the three r's of caring - reflection, rest
and return. Reflection really deserves the broader sense of the
word that goes beyond just thinking about and remembering. It includes
thinking through, meditating, wishing, praying, etc. Rest refers
to just that. Sometimes we need to take time away from 'being with'
a caring situation. Return comes from - still being alone, awaking
or returning to being conscious towards something(s) or someone(s).
As we ready to step back into contact with the world, not only are
we that much further along (a caring being), but we can also take
a look at our self and if not change a current attitude - at least
encourage a best outlook to be with us this day or at this moment.
Attitude > This is how we feel about someone or something.
When we are caring, our attitude is one in which we feel warm or
welcoming towards another. It is one in which we seek to see the
good that is contained within what the other (or we) are doing.
It is one in which we look at the other in terms of what is positively
possible. A second way of having a caring attitude when we
do not feel naturally warm, welcoming or see the good in the other
is to be "willing" to try to drop our judgment and listen.
....
An organization that espouses the importance of bringing a warm
and welcoming attitude is The International Alliance for Invitational
Education. http://www.invitationaleducation.net
The following is an excerpt from their home page. Invitational Education,
a theory of practice, maintains that every person and everything
in and around schools and other organizations adds to, or subtracts
from, the process of being a beneficial presence in the lives of
human beings. Ideally, the factors of people, places, policies,
programs and processes, should be so intentionally inviting as to
create a world in which each individual is cordially summoned to
develop intellectually, socially, physically, psychologically, and
spiritually.
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3. "B"
A caring "being" .... This is who we when we wake
up in the morning ... before any new thought or feeling comes to
us. This "who we are" ... perhaps related to a concept
of being "our self" comes from any combination of what
we inherit from our parents in birth, our environment and potentially
other factors as well. Therefore each time we experience caring
... whether we are primarily the one caring or being cared for,
it does become a part of us. That beautiful smile received yesterday
evening somehow this morning, I feel better, more responsive to
the world. In a sense, a caring being, is the "noun" ...
beautifully burnished by the "verbs" that are coming to
it and going from it so much of the time.
"Being" caring ... This is the act of caring whether
it is a natural inclination or because it is something we do where
we bring more volition ...
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4. "C"
Care > Webster defines as a troubled or burdened state
of mind / a close attention or careful heed / a liking or regard
(for) / charge; protection; custody / something to watch over and
attend to.
Caring > It can be useful to look at caring in two parts
... "care" and "ing" - with "care"
being how we feel and "ing" being what we do about it.
I also believe it is useful to look at caring both as 'helping something
that could use helping' such as resolving a conflict - as well as
- 'purely extending a kindness or giving a gift.' I refer to this
as planting flowers as well as putting out fires. Even though some
flowers are planted after fires, it is helpful to often plant at
a time other than one connected with sorrow.
Definitions by some ...
Caring is knowing, feeling, and acting in the interests of
others.
(Linda Forcey)
To care for another person is to help him/her grow and actualize
him/herself.
(Milton Meyeroff)
To be concerned about and to facilitate the growth and actualization
of other people, the planet, and even oneself.
(Harriet Heath)
"Apprehending the other's reality, feeling what he feels
as nearly as possible, is the essential part of caring from the
view of the one-caring. For if I take on the other's reality
as possibility and begin to feel its reality, I feel, also, that
I must act accordingly."
(Nel Noddings)
Caring is to find importance in the thoughts, feelings and circumstances
of
others, and to reflect the importance of these things in our actions.
(Kristen Perkins)
The caring 'one step' >
Caring and motivation>
In caring we sometimes do something because we are moved to do so,
we feel we must and we do it. Nel Noddings in "Caring, a Feminine
approach to Ethics and Moral Education," refers to this as
natural caring. The example most often sited is the love
of a mother for her child - how she feels and what she does. The
next level is sometimes called ethical caring. Here we do
not feel fully motivated to be helpful or extend a kindness however
we look to an ideal of caring and/or have some memories of natural
caring in our lives. We may here use such words as 'should' or 'ought
to' to ourselves. In the end, we do a caring act. The beauty of
this form of practice is that we do not need to try to feel warmly
towards someone we do not like. However we determine to at least
'willing' to listen to him or her without prematurely deciding coming
to an opinion. In doing this process, we usually come to appreciate
the other person more and often a more genuine - natural caring
- grows.
Caring states or transformations
Caring can be in different states. Just as a car can be at rest
or in motion, caring can be looked upon in this way as well. This
can also be looked at as caring formation or transformation. A good
metaphor would be water - rising to become clouds, then raining
and coming down again. So with caring, it takes different form.
The three states shown below have a way of maintaining and enhancing
through repetition.
I see the states of caring as ...
1) what we do, - "being caring or caring practices"
2) what happens as the result of what we do - "the momentum
of caring",
3) and what we become / who we are - "a caring being."
What we do is related to the being caring definition shown
above. The doing can be anywhere from helping someone out to reflecting
about it later on. These can be looked upon as the what and how
of caring. What happens is something we have little or no control
over. As the result of what we or someone else does ... 'caring
happens.' You smile at me - I feel something and smile back. You
listen to me and I feel more trusting to you. In a way this is the
want or impetus of caring (and is related to caring and
motivation discussed above). While the first two states are
verbs (from the carer and happening to the cared for), the final
one is a noun. This is a caring being. As the result of 1)
what we do and 2) what happens ... we change. The sum total of who
we are as a person - asleep or waking is 3) a caring being.
Character > The relation between caring and character
is an important one. Often we refer to character as "character
education." It appears that caring is often listed as one of
a half dozen or more of ethical character traits such as respect,
honesty, fairness, responsibility and more. I believe when we list
caring next to these other values we are sometimes in danger of
sweeping caring "under the carpet." This is because caring
is not just another one of these important values ... it is 1) an
ingredient that is present in each of those values and 2) it is
a process that incorporates all of these other values. To read a
more in depth discussion of this topic, I refer you to another "window"
within our website ... caring
and character.
Circular > The circular nature of caring relates to the
cycle of caring. This can be visualized by thinking of caring
as something we do "as the result" of experiencing caring
and not so much "in return for caring." To be even more
direct ... caring becomes more something that is unconditional
than conditional. Something conditional is very back and
forth, very linear (I will help you in return for you helping me).
In caring, I respond to you because I want to or I believe it is
something I ought to do and not because I expect a specific caring
act in directly in return. Now, things to come back to us ... for
being on the being caring and "receiving" another ...
usually results in the "response" of the other. A response
that is appreciative and connecting. But again, what we are looking
at here is something more as reinforcing and building than "tit
for tat" or should we better say "this for that."
An article regarding the circular nature of caring appeared in our
September 1999 newsletter "Caring
that goes around comes around"
Commonality > Here we try to find that element of "caring"
that resides in many actions and approaches that are called by other
names. These approaches may deal with such situations as ... resolving
a conflict one is in, dealing with ones own impulses, spontaneously
giving a gift, helping someone to learn a skill, helping others
who are in physical or emotional pain, finding something that a
child already does well and helping them to do it better ... the
list goes on and on .... however, one thing is true ... and that
is that regardless of what happens and what people call it ... there
is something that is similar, common, to all these happenings that
is useful to understand. If we can find a way to show the interconnectedness,
the commonality between these approaches, it can be a way to increase
the cumulative power of people using these approaches. If
you refer to the commonality
window of our website, you can see how we are looking at this further.
Condole > Websters - To suffer with / to express sympathy,
commiserate / to show grief for.
Compassion > From "Nothing Special (p216/217),"
by Charlotte Joko Beck. " ... compassion as such is simply
openness to what is. Since it is absolutely open, it will be receptive
and able to see what is best to do and will do it. Compassion may
be the end result of practice. Nobody is always compassionate, but
if our practice is real, we'll become more compassionate. We become
more aware of others as persons, not simply as things to be controlled
or manipulated or fixed, but as centers of real awareness. That
capacity grows with practice. If it doesn't, then we're not understanding
practice, or we're simply not doing it.
Webster's - to feel pity / together + to suffer / sorrow for the
sufferings or trouble of another or others, accompanied by an urge
to help / deep sympathy.
Conditional > Webster's - containing, implying or dependent
on a condition or conditions; not absolute [a conditional award].
This word is interesting to look at when we examine 'unconditional
love,' or 'the golden rule.' Unconditional love is given without
condition. Regarding the golden rule, it can verge towards being
conditional. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto
you." An related expression sounds even more condition "How
would you like it if Mary does that to you." This is then one
step away from "Well if you do that to Mary, she might to it
to you." When we use conditional communication to early in
a conflict solving process - guilt or resentment may grow. Sometimes
it is better to just say "Look at Mary, see her tears,"
or "Mary, how are you feeling just now."
Chogyam Trungpa in "The Path is the Goal (p 141)," writes
of how unconditional love grows out of nonjudgmental listening.
... So that means the ingredients of compassion are the experience
of non-ego and a sense of precision, which he called skillful
means.
Listening
This is a core practice of caring. The main aspect of it is receptive. Further it is receiving or learning from another in a way that is clear or clean of bias or judgement. The goal of listening is to help the other person be able to more better do something of use by him or herself. Since not every situation is the same, not every person is the same, and not every listener is the same - a useful way of listening may vary. All listening contains talk - somehow. Also, listening is part of awareness and often what we hear or do not hear with our ears is helped along by what we note through our other senses as well. Below is one form of listening.
A discussion of more forms of listening will be presented in upcoming newsletters.
Active Listening
A University of Maine researcher, Dr. Marisue Pickering, identifies ten discrete skills for empathetic listening which are also known as active listening
SKILLS EXPLANATION
1. Attending, acknowledging
Providing verbal or non-verbal awareness of the other, ie, eye contact
2. Restating, paraphrasing
Responding to person's basic verbal message
3. Reflecting
Reflecting feelings, experiences, or content that has been heard or perceived through cues
4. Interpreting
Offering a tentative interpretation about the other's feelings, desires, or meanings
5. Summarizing, synthesizing
Bringing together in some way feelings and experiences; providing a focus
6. Probing
Questioning in a supportive way that requests more information or that attempts to clear up confusions
7. Giving feedback
Sharing perceptions of the other's ideas or feelings; disclosing relevant personal information
8. Supporting
Showing warmth and caring in one's own individual way
9. Checking perception
Finding out if interpretations and perceptions are valid and accurate
10. Being quiet
Giving the other time to think as well as to talk
http://crs.uvm.edu/gopher/nerl/personal/comm/e.html
SOURCE: Pickering, Marisue, "Communication" in EXPLORATIONS, A
Journal of Research of the University of Maine, Vol. 3, No. 1, Fall
1986, pp 16-19.
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